unhappy

i am... not happy. i miss swh. :(

just curious and wondering...

have never tried being somebody's 小女人。be it the guy has a wife or has a gf. so i'm just curious....


i know a lot of people may say, eeeeew, why go and be a bitch to break up people's relationship or home ? why are u such a bitch? there're so manu better guys out there. why find someone who has a gf or a wife. that'd be what i would say in the past....

yet who wanna be a bitch? or called a bitch by others? yesss, maybe some really do? who really always always find someone who is attached. then again, i've got friends who is not a bitch in this case. it just happens at the wrong time , with the wrong person maybe. nobody really wants to be a bitch or be called a bitch. who can understands? u all never really tried to understand. sigh ~


but then again, yessss.... they may seems like a bitch or whatever whatever , there're a lot of better guys out there whatever whatever. maybe we could try putting ourselves in their shoe? hmmm, let's say, yes , they know there're better guys out there. but maybe the time wasn't right still so she might have not met yet? and the rest of the guy she met just doesn't has that chemistry that she has with that guy who has a gf or a wife?



and maybe at that point of time, when they're still friends, the guy with a gf or wife was there, by her side at that point of time and makes her even wants him more?



i don't know? cause i've never tried before. just thinking if i ever had this kind of incident , what would i do?



for example, a guy has a gf or a wife and we're friends in the first place. and just nice, i have some small problem and he's here for me. just listening to me , taking care of me. though i know he has a gf or even a wife, but he makes time for me.



i don't know what i would do too. feelings are hard to control too, right? and i just feels that if a guy has a gf or wife, he still shouldn't be so nice to a girl to lead her on right? why make all so xin ku leh? sigh ~


男人贱，女人犯贱。humans? maybe. or maybe why can't we just be like those days when there were still kings and guys can married a number of wife and be concubine. lol. i mean i don't think i would mind being the smaller one. but he should at least make some effort to meet me and give me care and concern when i need lah.


maybe, i don't mind sharing? i don't know too. cause maybe if that's my boyfriend or husband i wouldn't want to share it with somebody else of course too right? lol.


but what if... what if the girl only wants someone to show some care and concern and only be there when she needs him and no sex included? maybe , that's a different story? i not sure. just suddenly having these thoughts.



well, maybe we should just take it as the guy is just a super nice guy and that he treats every other girls the same with no any other intention and u're not so special afterall. maybe , that would save a lot of trouble.


what i can say , do not advanced into something further if u think u do not want to spoil that friendship. well... maybe afterall, feelings are hard to control.



sigh ~ why must we live with such complexity? why can't we just live and love simple? if only.... it's that easy.



sometimes i wonder too, why can't we just be alone? since we came to this world alone and leave alone. why mist we leave feelings behind when we're going alone.



i wish i was dead tgt with him. maybe , i'm still happily with him now? maybe... we never know? maybe there's afterlife and we won't be? cause may be we will meet others below or above? or where ever u think afterlife may be. lol.


just thinking... well, sometimes i just wish we could live with lesser feelings. maybe with no strings attached? lol.
or maybe, i'm just feeling a little lonely. haha. well, whatever it is , or may be. i guess i better not ponder to mich and just hit the sack !! ^^



i'm starting my day job soon!! 5th of march. will be working day and night. busier than ever !! hopefully by the time i won't have the time to think so much. i think sleep also not enough time liao. lol !! okay, can't wait!! it's just this coming monday !! weeee ~ :D


all right, some pictures for u guys to enjoy before i go. goodnight. ^^

Short Post, Update...

went to bras basah or besar to get things done today. nothing much. didn't slept the whole night of ytd until now. damn happening. this's how my life goes...


slept and woke up around 9 plus 10 in the night. then prepare and head down to jab one and had a few drinks.


went to meet friends , they came over jab to fetch us then to bin's house take helmet. then we went petrol kiosk then macritchie reservoir slack and chill.

then some don't wanna head home yet like us so early in the morning went to drink with the indians to drink. ahhhh ~ u know lah , indians ~ TANNI!! wahahahahaha.



did not drank much. then head home about 8 plus in the morning then bin came over , slack and chill until afternoon then till evening then decided to head to bras basah/besar. lol.




we did not want to sleep as we felt it was a waste of time. like sleep already then night time 不三不四 timing wake up again. so we decided to "tong" until now. power to the people ~~~ lol.



was thinking if i can wake up earlier later then going to bukit timah tua peh kong and have a date with my beloved boyf. it's been awhile.... but don't wanna make empty promises. bought the ba long long already, just thinking going on later or tues. ^^




well, anyway, just a thought of myself before i say goodnight.....
女孩子通常有了新欢，或是有好感，或是爱的人，日日夜夜，开口闭口就是只有＂他＂。不管那女的是在跟谁，在做什么，时时刻刻嘴里出来的都是＂他＂。可是一旦那女的绝望了，累了，放弃了。她已不想要再次地提起＂他＂。就连听，也不想听到＂他＂的名字。所以说啊，女人是不是真可怕？在我眼里，爱情，才是真正叫人，令人可怕的东西。。。我怎样都学不会，搞不好，永远也学不会。


tired, goodnight. enjoy my pictures. wahahahaha. :D

Getting Inked... A Small One.

Aloha people ! I'm gonna go get myself inked tonight.

For people who knows me, I always get inked when I gets

fucked up in life, hurt in whatever. LOL. Stupid I know, maybe 

by the time I'm 30+ years old kind of full already. haha.

Whatever, not funny I know. lol.

Anyway, is just a small one. On my wrist ba. Can be covered 

by my watch I guess.

Something like that....

KgkxSwh

Maybe not so big lah. Haha. Maybe will edit a bit also cause reach there then say lah. Kk, I haven't sleep, damn srrrreeeeeeepy now. HAHAHAHAHA.

Gonna go catch some rest or to bathe and slack and prepare . haha. 

Byeeee people ! See you ! :D

to someone...

if i ever appear again infront of u, be in ur life again, would u hold me tight and asked me to never ever leave u again? or have th thought of leaving u again?


i want that assurance. i want to know that i am someone important. i want to know that i did make ur life beautiful and colourful and maybe wonderful.



i don't want to keep having thoughts about whether u'll be falling for another girl. whether when i'm here missing u, would u be missing other people. whether am i someone to u cause u always don't bother about what i ever told u. about my work related stuffs , about where i am, what i'm doing.


i just want u to be more concern about me. about what's going on. i know u might be busy and tired at work. i am trying to be considerate too.


i always wanna let u sleep a bit more when the alarm rings in the morning. and yet i'm afraid u might wake up late and it's kinda like my fault for not waking u up. i wanna wake u up and not let u get back to sleep but it just seems to me like i'm disturbing ur rest.



i do not know what to do anymore that at times , i so much wanted to see u, just to sleep beside u and hugging u to sleep. i don't mind taking cab in the middle of the night over just to see u and then slowly take a train back in the morning BUT yet again, i do not want to disturb ur sleep.


i miss us , i miss those days when we can stay the whole day at home just to watch show. or to meet friends tgt then home. or u going to work and i waited. and u came back immediately after ur work. that's the period of time where i felt my importance. where we were happy.



i know things turned out this way were mostly my fault. i don't blame anyone else but me. right now, there's too many broken pieces between us amd i just don't know what to do and how.

many a times i just feel like not caring about those things and just carry on with the way we are but yet i know , things ain't the same anymore. if it can't be solved now, it seriously cannot go any further.

i'm lost right now, very lost. what happened to us. so does this even mean we are not meant to be? but why does my heart tells me that we are?


can we, just talk things out someday? i really feels like talking to you some day about us, about everything. but u always seemed so tired to me. i didn't want to add on stress to u about us cause i know u're stress with work already.



thinks that u do that made me more angry was that, i gave up myself meeting u cause i thought ubwere tired. i didn't wanna be unreasonable and made u tired about always having to meet me and spare a thought for me. that's why no matter how much i wanna see u, i always tell myself, it's okay. if u really wanna see me , u will say and we will meet and many times , i really just want u to go home and rest after ur work. BUT....



in the end... u told me u went to drink, u told me u were out with ur friends. i was like.... dumbfound. u didn't even asked if i wanna meet. maybe.... maybe u thought if i wanna meet i'd say and yet i'm here waiting for u to say it too. i don't know.




i don't know if we could ever be the same or better or worst, i don't know? just wanna say, u're someone i did care. and i don't know what will happen to us and what has happened to us. just wanna say.... till i meet someone new who can make everything different, it's still you... and him.



will we be ever to build up all the broken pieces together again? although there's definitely still be cracks but at least we know we tried? hmmm....

to love or be loved?

today i head down to liquid empire for the first time. am glad i wasn't lost and found my way there. so proud of myself !! lol. but the journey from raffles mrt to there is damn farrrrr ~ it's like a journey to the west. okay~ i'm #justsaying. -.-



it was damn spacious compared to the past liquid definitely. it has three stories. first and second for customers drink, drank drunk and third is for people to rest. maybe like regulars and waitress who is really really damn drunk or not feeling well. place where we place our bags while working. :)


the steeeepest and scariest stairs was the stairs to go up to level 3. damn ~ i hop i better be sober everyday and walked with both my eyes open big !! i'm already very clumsy when i'm not drunk. when i'm drunk, even worst. already can foresee will roll down the stairs some day though. 死不了就还好吧？lol.


went down to ion orchard to get something for gracey with wifey as her birthday is coming soon. i tell u ahhh. choose present for this gracey is damn troublesome de. lol !!


wanted to buy accessories BUT... she earring cannot, will infection. necklace need pure gold if not will rashes. bracelet she already wearing two. she don't really wear watch. tell meeeee !! what to buy for her !!?? :O



me and wifey chose a long time between LV and prada. don't know which to buy until i call her and asked. lv or prada? haha. :3


bought "sth" for her which shouldn't be disclosed here just in case she came to read it. lol. wanted to bought another one but i "think", think only lah. she'd prefer this. lol.



anyway, she could just go back and change herself within 10 days if she doesn't like it ba. just top up a bit more? :D haha.


alright ~ after that head down to jab one and had a few drinks. really is few cause i can't drink much as i just had surgery done. maybe like drink two cups beer? lol.


then went for movie again !! movie marathon. haha. went to catch "i love hong kong 2012" niceeee !! but don't know why while watching towards the ending like my heart feel a bit sour sour. like don't know leh. like if really going end of the world , i'm like also not sure who i wanna spend my last moment with. i know ~ family of course but i'm sure many of u would definitely have that "someone" u love whom u wished to spend with too, right. at that point of time.... i was, lost. :(



well, anyway, i guess i should go back and talk about the title of my post, right? lol.



okay, it's like that. sometimes i wonder which is most happier? to love or to be loved? there is this saying that goes, ＂被爱是幸福的。＂true? i'm sure everybody heards that before. or maybe most.


yesss and no indeed. yes , of course being loved by someone is happy cause u do not need to be afraid of getting hurt because u only accepts things from others and u do not give. u can throw temper as and when u like because u do not care. u can just ignore him as and when u like because u got no feel for him. u can meet other guys and he meets other girls cause u totally don't give a shit.


whereas , to love someone, u keep giving without expecting things to return is hurtful. u love and u care so much that u selfishly wants to just keep that person all just by yourself that u don't want other people to talk to, to smile to, to even looked at. don't even mention going out together.


sometimes i feels that love can be so scary. why must we even have love? why must we have one partner? is it a must? why can't we just be alone? we were born alone and we leave this world alone. why must we hurt the other party when we depart from this world?



okay, let's not drift too far about leaving this world. why must we even hurt the other party when we once, loved that he / she so much at first. be it quarrels, breakups. why must ther be tears and heartaches in a relationship. if that's the case, why can't we just be alone? why can't we just stand being lonely?



for me, i don't really feels that being loved is exactly happier. to love and be loved by the person u love is the happiest. but yet, in this life, across billions and zillions of people on earth. how many times do u really met this kind of situation? most of the times is just that u love that person more or the other person loves u more. it is never fair.



just wanna say, if u really foun urself loving and being loved by someone u love. cherish it , before it's too late. mine was already too late. it should be taught a lesson to me dearly. BUT... 我怎样都学不会。:( i am still me. i did not change at all. i still throw temper and gave my shitty attitude to people i care, who is important to me.


i still keep saying i wanna leave whenever i feels insecure and whenever i feels that the other party doesn't love me as much as i love him. yes, i admit. i'm selfish, i'm timid. i don't wanna love someone more than he loves me. because i'm afraid. i'm afraid of losing someone dearly again. i hate that feeling. but yet again, when i think back again, i'm actually hurting myself more.



yes, people do say we need to think ahead for our future but yet again. who knows, who knows what will ever happens in the future? who knows i'll still be blogging or even texting my friends tmr? i may not wake up the very next day. sometimes i feels that yes , maybe i think too much and i should seriously stop all that shit.



maybe i've grown up too late but i feels that things should just be the way it is now. if u're happy. :) we should sometimes really not think too much. if it is yours, it would be yours eventually. :)


i'm learning.... still learning. :) alright, some people may agree or disagree with the things i've said here. but already said, this is my blog, my say. i'm just voicing out what i felt deep down in my heart. a place where i can pen down all my thoughts and feelings be it people agree with me or not. :)


i'm heading to bed soon. tired. just feels like starting work soooon and not think so much bout anything. just work, sleep and catching up with friends.


fuck love, fuck hate. fucked up life. lol. enjoy the pictures people. :D till then...

today; 28 jan 2012

nothing much bout today. went to bukit timah and bai nian and played 2 rounds of mahjong. ^^


first time play mahjong lose so much !! :x hahaha. but is okay nahhh ~ new year mah. ended about 2 plus and everybody is tired. but now heard the sounds of mahjong and i'm tempted much again. :x LOL !!



hmmm, nothing much to update. felt very tired of everything that i don't even wanna bother to say out already. just wanna... let it be. haha. realise that the more u wanna solve things and the more u want things to go ur way, it just won't so why not, just leave it like that? :) haha. soooo optimistic. i know right ~ hahahahaha.


have been to bukit timah a number of times already. wonder whether was it him seding me secret signals telling me that he miss me and it's been kind of awhile since i last went to visit him. haha. but then again, he should be anywhere, everywhere, anytime looking at me, right? sigh.


i miss him. :( alright alright ~ let the peeeekchuressss do all the talking now. :) goodnight again people. xoxo.